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Mind Over Body

There's something to be said for the fact that everytime I rehearse for a new show I never get sick until the show opens...It's a way to keep up my health and energy when I have rehearsal every night.  I keep telling myself now is not the time to be sick..I'm constantly fighting something off.  Then once everything is up on it's feet and I have a few days to relax...it all comes tumbling down...

I wonder if that's the way it is when you pass on to the next world...Can your mind dictate to your body "now is not the time"?  I still have things to do...I wonder what gives you the strength to stay longer?  Is it because you have an awesome son you want to teach everything to?  And amazing mom who loves you more than anything?  

There is something so amazing about the power of mind over body.  The way you can control your body and tell it "not at this time".  I think this is much bigger...maybe it has to do with the chakras or the energy centers?  More on this...

Hit me....Bitches.

Love will prevail!!!

"Nothing In My Way"

A turning tide
Lovers at a great divide
why d'you laugh
When I know that you hurt inside?

And why d'you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say?
And why d'you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

A tell-tale sign
You don't know where to draw the line

And why d'you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say
And why d'you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

Well for a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
You're having such a nice time

For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
You're having such a nice time

Moving out and moving on?

When I became engaged (actually before I was even engaged) I had a friend tell me "everything is going to change".  I believe this has become a self-fulfilling prophesy for him.  Nothing has changed except for the location of my existence and a little ring on my finger.  I still want the close, rich friendships I had and I feel as though that isn't happening.  I feel as though I am being ostracized for something I have no control over.  Please don't let this be the case b/c I would be lost without those relationships.  DO acknowledge when I am honest and tell you that I feel hurt and slightly betrayed though.  I have feelings and even though we choose to deal with those feelings differently, you learn to meet in the middle...Fuck.

For the sake of how incredible I think you are...I hope you don't get to tell me about the ending for a very long time...if ever.

I completely agree that there are 90 degree turns...for the man who has a good job and life is on the up and up and suddenly gets laid off...for the healthiest person you know who is suddenly diagnosed with cancer and has no family history...for the person full of love who loses the one person in the world they care most about, and becomes angry and tainted...

These situations are not pauses in the line of happenings...they are 90 degree turns...and usually they suck, but sometimes it's the person who wins the lotetry and lives happily ever after.  That is the true reality and joy of life...never knowing where it's going next, because if we did we'd all be living just to die...Now where's the fun in that? 

xoxoxo

sometimes things just fall into place...

I guess I don't realize the sanctuary I find in my close friends until I am actually there.  I have a few very close friends and I always find myself feeling very thankful when I am with them...but sometimes amidst those few, one just stands out above the rest...when you'll watch The Bachelor with me and talk about banging chicks and know I will not find it offensive...your ease makes me more at ease...it's a truly beautiful cycle.  I hope those moments impact the other person as much as they impact me...the realization that life and real happiness is so fucking simple, is right there in that moment.

This business sucks ass...

This theatre business sucks ass...I will tell you why.  B/c people use their personal shit against you and pick favorites.  I am a firm believer that this is how it works.  I am fucking good...I know I am...I am told I am...and yet, even though I know a part in and out they don't even aske me to fucking read for the part.  It is such bullshit...

"We think you are so talented and love watching you...however, kiss my ass because we are going with some totally gay little fucker who kisses my ass or one of the girls who will prance around on stage like a little gay boy...You cool with that?"

Kiss my ass mother fuckers...you'll realize how bad you suck and that your company is slowly going downhill.

soooooo.........I'm moving....

It's funny because Angelo will be the only one reading this...He's my only "friend"...but if I were to have one friend for all time, he would be at the top of the list!  No bullshitting, straightforward (except for when he doesn't wanna hang-then he just avoids calling me), but shows some love too.  ;-(

I am moving to San Francisco.  I am slightly scared, a little nervous, very excited and overall pumped.  I will be in a house with my cat and my man and on the way to our happy life that we are destined to lead...but there is always the sense that one day he'll wake up and think that all of this is wrong...That he'll change his mind about me.  And that is where the scared/nervous thing comes from...

I've been here and done this and I don't want it to go in the same direction...living in "happiness" without a commitment (proposal) and then finally realising it was never going to come.  Urg...I am soooooooo happy, but I am a teensy bit nervous...

What else is there to say???

It's utterly frustrating when you invest your life into this one thing that you know you're good at...people tell you you're good at...others admire you...but the saying goes "there is always somebody better than you".  And it's true.  It is.  No matter what they tell you.  Someone has the better look.  The better voice.  The better body.  The better moves.  The better emotion.  There is no "whole package" deal going on here.  It's this or that.  So...where do you fit in if you have the "whole package"?  Or do you ever have the "whole package"?  Maybe that is one big pile of shit that they make up to make others feel better when they don't get what they want..."Well, you have the 'whole package', but we're really looking for the tallest girl because she'll look better next to the guy we cast"...The shitty guy who isn't even better than that other guy over there who can sing his brains out, act well and is totally hot?!?  What the fuck, people?!?!?  Don't you get it...you are ruining the theatre business as we know it.  These are the people who cast The Hoff in a musical because he'll sell tickets...or send fucking Diana DeGarmo from American Idol to Broadway to star in the Revival of Hairspray!  KILLING THEATRE I SAY!!!!!!!!!!  
Help me out here....anyone?

Frustration

So in a few days I audition for the show of a lifetime...I played it once in high school and I wanna play it again 10 years later...But I find myself more frustrated than I ever have been with the theatre system...

Why hire people who suck?!?  Is it to spite those who are actually good and know it?  Is it to flaunt your power to others when you basically say "I can cast whoever I want"?  What point are you proving?  And even more...are you holding a personal vendetta against those who you don't cast as a lead??? 

WTF?!?!?

I don't get it.
Explain.

Old Poetry

With wine stained fingers she puts the cigarette to her lips and takes a drag.  She quietly cries.  Letting out the day's events in small drops of pain, rolling down her cheek like water on a window.  Easy to see through.  Easy to break.  Piece by piece she lets them fall to the ground.  Futile attempts to put the puzzle back together.  It's mismatched.  Mismatched Puzzle.  Distressed Angel.  Watching her life fall apart in a moment.  Critical Moment.  Unable to fight.  The rapids come and wash her away...Futile efforts to conserve emotions.  All flush forward at once creating a hurricane of confrontation.  Standing slowly, she spins...then crumbles to the floor.  Wading through the tears of emotions...she finds a reflection.  Beautifully Broken.  Frail and powerful at the same time.  Powerfully captivating.  Silently Screaming.  It stirs something inside of her.  A familiar mark.  A similar scratch.  A broken smile.  Her.  Mismatched Puzzle.  Somehow pieced together.  Still not quite intact...but beautifully broken...Gorgeously captivating...Dangerously Open.  Thrusting herself toward the reflection she becomes just that.  A Scattered Reflection.  Broken pieces floating in the water...soon to be put back together...and broken apart again...